Wednesday, June 13, 2012

My Soul Responsibility

"Put your ear down close to your soul and listen hard." ~ Anne Sexton

As I have thought about this quote for the past week or so, I am again reminded that I so often get caught up in my own monotonous busyness or plain old survival that I drown out the beating of my own heart. When I take the time to spend a little quality time with myself, I hear whispers from deep within me and the soul numbing grind is far less deafening. The breathiness of my inner voice nudges me and reminds me that what I love matters (despite how small or under cultivated). I must learn to listen to the cues. Every moment I feel joy or deeply and vitally alive, I must stand still and pay attention to it.  My soul is knocking and asking, " Hello in there... is anyone home? I'm in this- are you?"

My soul is the real me. The part of me that hushes my insecurities and breathes life back into my lazy attempt at living. My soul doesn't care what anybody else thinks. Its quiet hush reasons, "You don't have to be smart, perfect, thin, or impressive, Julie. You can just be." My soul reminds me that less is really more and well... more is just more. I have come to realize I need to eliminate in order to hear myself think and more importantly feel myself feel. Sometimes this realization seems selfish; I digress. When will choosing self ever feel completely natural? I must constantly shout above the monologue that plays over and over in my head telling me that it's never my turn and there's nobility in constantly giving it all away. Thirty thousand mornings, give or take a few, is all we're given. At near fifty, I have about eleven thousand left. I'd like to start reserving just a few.

I've talked a lot about finding my purpose and passion in my blog. I'm starting to realize it's kind of like searching all over the house for my car keys, only to discover that they were right there in
my hands all the time. Everything I need, everything I possess...it's all in there. It's taken more than half a lifetime, but I know this is TRUTH. My Acupuncturist, Jeffrey is one of the happiest people I have ever met. His welcome is always an exuberant, "Greetings Julia..." His voice, his spirit, the authentically peaceful aesthetic of his office, the location (just a stone's throw from Sunset Beach where he surfs daily), and the pure joy he radiates while placing tiny needles in my body, all tells me he has a honest passion for his work: his calling and for life. He is doing what he is supposed to be doing, where he is supposed to be doing it! It makes me ache for something to emerge from within me, declaring, "Here I am! This is it... this is your thing ... now go follow it!" It should be simpler than it is. I have talents and plenty of passion. It's the tuning in part and being brave enough to move where my soul is directing me...therein lies the problem and the answer.

In a commencement speech at Stanford, Steve Jobs told students that for thirty years, he looked in the mirror every morning and asked himself, "If today were the last day of my life, would I want to do what I am about to do today?" And whenever the answer had been "no" for too many days in a row, he knew he needed to change something. This disturbed me when I read it (a clue that an anesthetized nerve had been struck). "Am I breathing just a little and calling it a life?", I thought. YES... "If today were my last day, would I want to be doing what I am doing?" Decidedly, NO... And whose responsibility was it to change that? I realized in that moment there was nowhere left to hide. If there are things I still want to do, explore, feel...it's all on me.

 So... I am paying attention this week. Paying attention to the pain in my neck and hips, as I begin to uncover where all that hurting is coming from and try not to push through it. I am paying attention to how my heart beats just a little faster when I sit down to write, or as I contemplate how to refinish those dining room chairs I love. Paying attention when I allow myself to be in touch with the creativity that whooshes from somewhere in my brain and soul simultaneously and noting that I am transformed for just a moment. The payoff: My soul whispers to me a little secret, "It's all about inhabiting your moments." So I took an extra half hour this morning to get out of bed, making time to pray and contemplate. Later, I spent an hour and a half in my car (without the radio or a CD) driving to a much needed appointment, followed by a quiet outdoor lunch for one in Sunset Beach. Rejuvenated and redirected, I am glad I took the time today to get down low and really listen to what my soul keeps trying to tell me. What I heard all came in the form of questions:

What can I eliminate that is dragging me down?
What can I add to my life that will increase joy and vitality?
Am I inhabiting all my days (moments)?
Do I know where I am on my journey?

Maybe if I am quiet enough and still enough (for long enough) I will be able to hear the answers...

Julia