Full Circle

I am a Valentine's Day Maven. I am pretty sure I was born with a love for all things red, romantic and heart shaped. Guilty as charged, I confess to adoring the month of February and all that it promises lovers both young and old. To underscore just how overly maudlin I am about this month- I was married on a Friday night February 14th, 1992. I know... I know... "How incredibly cliche", you say! This month and all that it represents just makes me so darn happy and I am not a closet worshipper. But, in my quest for truth; asking all the questions out loud, and then being willing to share the answers won through this incredibly liberating process- I will tell you not everyday has been Valentine's Day" in my soon to be twenty year old marriage.

Pat and I have had some incredibly romantic and creative Valentine's Days. Because he knows just how important this day is to me, the man has worked hard trying to be thoughtful and innovative most years. I see now the anniversaries that didn't go well and take full responsibility for creating too much pressure for the poor guy. We have even had a couple of ( at least one for sure) horrible Valentine's Days. Shamefully, those are the years I sat silently waiting for him to fail with (invisible) arms crossed and lips pursed tightly. And for a girl who holds love and romance as the breadth of her existence, ( having looked forward to Valentine's Day her entire life)know that's hard for me to admit out loud. My love for romance, girlish pink and white dreamy fantasies have lived inside me for as long as I can remember. All of this combined with an intensely passionate, creative nature is both my gift and my curse. I've ruined a Valentine's Day or two for myself and most definitely for my sweet husband with expectations that were met with disappointment because what I received didn't quite measure up to what I had built up in my heart and head. As I near fifty, I am not willing to lose even one more Valentine's Day/Anniversary to this transient attack. What I've come to realize in my forties: It's not really about the day and what it did or didn't contain for me in romantic delight and detail, rather what has been missing or declining in our marriage in the months that lead up to this day of all days. February is my LOVE month and Valentine's Day will forever hold my heart and my wedding anniversary. So... I've learned to come prepared to meet her.

The truth of the matter is, the soul and strength of my marriage exists in the day to day. If it is depleted of life and energy, it is both my and Pat's responsibility to nourish and exercise it like we try to do with our own bodies. Much like our physiques, (when we don't) our marriage becomes tired and out of shape. Some of our very best anniversaries and Valentine's Days have been bred out of the work put in months before the big day. This past year has been a tough one with Pat's unemployment and our daughter leaving for college across the country (all on the heels of losing my father). I felt like I was hit from every direction in an eighteen month span. It was awful and it was wonderful because as I began to "unravel", so did our marriage to a degree. This catapulted us into an opportunity to review the neglected basics. Subsequently, we have relied a lot this year on what I call the 3 R's of a Mid-Life Marriage: Reflection, Repair and Renewal. As we master these three R's, we are better able to advance to a higher level of loving and learning. At this age we aren't beginners, but for us a refresher in the basics was critical; then we were ready to tackle an advanced course dedicated to empty nesting.

For the very first time in our married relationship, we are not defining ourselves or our marriage in terms of our responsibility to others ( in particular- our three children). Our "mom" and "dad" roles have been stripped away like outdated clothing, and without our timeworn identities, we again see one another "naked". Mid-life incandescent lightening is not always kind. In preparation for Valentine's Day we have worked at bringing in a little soft, candlelight back into our relationship and have practiced looking at each other again with new eyes. As we are now a week out, I am looking forward to our anniversary and Valentine's Day with a giddiness reminiscent to our first. After a solid year of working on myself; as I have shifted my focus back to us (and more specifically my husband) this year, I have decided to buy Pat a new wedding ring as an anniversary gift to commemorate the work we have done. Shh... It's a surprise.

This idea has been bubbling like champagne for some time, but went flat in dealing with some of the lows of recent years. With this year our twentieth, I'm in the mood to celebrate! Despite some inevitable life crises that have come our way, we have used these somewhat traumatic events as a positive turning point for our marriage. As I have thought about a wedding ring: an eternity band and seamless circle that never ends, it is impossible for me not to reflect upon my marriage vows. Those covenants I made before God and promises made to another human being: an imperfect partner (just like me). This year my own quiet reflection will be my best Valentine's gift. True to his simple and somewhat frugal nature, my husband picked out for himself a plain, braided yellow gold band in 1991. Over the past twenty years some of the gold has rubbed off; it has worn thin, making it uncomfortable because it is so flat. And it digs into what my husband calls, "his sausage fingers." Because he suffers from mild to moderate arthritis in his left hand, it causes his ring finger to sometimes swell. Occasionally I will spot his ring on the nightstand now and he has always worn his ring. I want him to have a comfortable ring. All I can think about is how suprised he is going to be!

 His relatively inexpensive and unassuming ring pales next to the extraordinary vintage ring he bought for me more than twenty years ago. He had my ring set anew with a bright (almost flawless) one carat diamond. I often say, " If I had a dollar for every time I received a compliment from both men and women about my ring- I'd be rich." It's a beautiful ring and every time I look at it, it's impossible not to remember that my husband cherishes me. If I could, I'd buy him a ring that matches mine in both beauty and value. But, money is tight ( Megan is at NYU and retirement is on the horizon).  And truthfully, I don't think Pat would want an extravagant ring. Like it or not, he's a simple guy  (like my dad) and his mantra: " I don't need much to be happy." Again, I am brought full circle... It's no accident the men that have loved me most in my life bear a resemblance to one another in this regard; yet another Valentine's gift to number and remember...

As I type at my desk looking up to Chagall's Lovers in the Red Sky, (while sipping tea from my special Valentine's cup my husband gave me last year) half listening to Tchaikovsky's Romeo and Juliet as I write, I can do nothing but smile and confess I am hopelessly in love with love! I was struck by Cupid's arrow as a little girl infecting me with a love for all things Valentine's Day and I will  never be cured!  But this year, as I look to next Tuesday with starry eyed anticipation, (probably more than my age should allow) I also anxiously anticipate giving again to My Valentine: My Handsome, My Foyboy, ( a.k.a. my husband). And this little circle of love means more than I ever imagined it would when I placed the original on his finger two decades ago. As I have looked at new rings, I decided rather than discard or bury his old band in a drawer or box somewhere. I plan to have it dipped in white gold and wear it on my right thumb as a reminder of all that has taken place between us... bringing us back really to where we began.