Lost and Found

You don't have to lose something or someone to ignite your passion to live. Although for me, losing my father and the stability of my husband's rock solid job was definitely the catalyst. Some of us are summoned back by numbness, fatigue, or sheer boredom. I have always had some sense of  "I'm not living up to my utmost potential." Even at some of my happiest moments, I somehow felt that something was missing; some part of me was lost or yet to be discovered. I was always looking to passionately dive into something or someone. Was there more to me than I allowed myself to become?

I believe that each of us has an essence, a unique quality of something or some things at our very core that makes us who we are as individuals and created by God to be. I have felt the weight of that in my own life. At times it has grounded me, although I may not have fully understood the something extra I'd been given. For the most part, it felt like I was lugging around a heavy suitcase with nothing in it and didn't know why. I know now that despite all of that, my core essence has been a guide in my life. It has moved me towards people, the expressive arts, kept me away from other things, and tenderly cradled my thoughts, my loves, and daily living. It's been my gift.

My biggest problem over the years has been my tendency to shrink. I thought being a housewife and mother somehow required of me to abandon all of the extra passion I'd been given. My creative, expressively artistic essence was just there for good measure. It came in handy for being room mom and throwing dinner parties, but much of me was shelved for a later date. Sadly, at forty something, I discovered all of these beautiful little jars lined up nicely on my pantry shelf filled with delicious creativity, artistic flair, and my own recipe for passion fruit spread that were never opened, tasted or enjoyed. "What a waste!", I thought. It would have been so easy to find at least some "mother friendly" ways to express all of that and all of me.

To explore that then would have meant allowing myself to live fully, passionately on purpose; giving myself permission to drop the preconceived ideas of what and who I needed to be as a wife and mother. I clenched tightly instead to the June Cleaver/Martha Stewart persona I interpreted as a young girl to be best used in developing the art of motherhood. Much of it was embraced and put in place by my childhood perceptions of what my own mother lacked in both effort and ability. I upheld this preconceived model in my heart and mind as the ideal. There were many secret selves I hopelessly abandoned and left for dead along the way. It was selfless. It was stupid. I realize now the mother I tried hard to improve upon (though I loved her and understood the root of her limitations) had her own essence and unlived dreams she tucked away somewhere. I now can see more of her in my reflection. So much of what I innately carry comes from her DNA: my creativity and heart of a lioness to name but a few. I wish she were still here. I'd ask her advice about navigating midlife and I'd share my own insights. That's what she and I did. Some days I was the mother and she the child. I am sure this was some kind of unspoken agreement between us when our eyes locked for the first time back in November of 1962. I used to think this frequent role reversal hurt me in some way. I know now that it shaped me.

Sometimes I really do think it's necessary to lose yourself in order to find yourself. At the very least, (in my case) to lose in order to truly appreciate all that I've been given. I struggle with "Is it too late?" I console myself with, "Perhaps now is just the right time." Mercifully, life brings us to a big lost and found box in middle age. I'm finding all sorts of belongings that still fit; aren't all that outdated. I'm reclaiming them as mine- all mine. Sure, there are a few things I must leave behind. I have begun to make peace with all of that. John Gardner reminds me, "Meaning is something you build into your life. You build it out of your own past, out of your affections and loyalties, out of the experience of humankind as it is passed on to you, out of your own talent and people you love, out of the values for which you are willing to sacrifice."

 What I did for thirty years as a wife and mother is no small thing. Yes, I sacrificed a lot in mothering three incredible human beings. I loved a man and took care of him and our home. And, I reap the rewards of that daily. Could I have done things better or differently? Yes, I'm sure I could have snuck in more creative me time. Maybe I was just too preoccupied or too tired. What I know for sure: now feels just right to passionately pursue new things. Although this season in my life has brought a fair share of loss, it also brings with it an abundance of midlife offerings... just for me. As I have had to let go of children, I must redefine my roles. I am learning how to find and perfectly parent my passions again. My little blog is just the beginning!

* What is it too soon for in your own life?
* What is it too late for?
* What is it just the right time for?