Older and Wiser

The past two weeks have been tough. I am not complaining because I chose to go back to school. I chose tough. I usually do. Why you say? I ask myself that same question almost daily. Somehow I have survived all these years without a bachelor's degree. Can't I live without one? The truth is... I am a woman in search of her self (yes, I intentionally separated her from self). I must descend to my own depth. It's how I do it. I am leaving behind my old safe role of wife and mother for a time. That season has served me well. I am more because of those roles. Saying goodbye to what was has been a bittersweet journey for me. I have shed thousands of tears not because it's over, but because it's different. The murk has finally settled.  It's time to plunge downward into the deep and seemingly bottomless and see what's left to explore. Please understand descension is not a bad thing. As I descend, I touch on a strength and a certainty that is shaken loose from within me. I rediscover that easy is not always synonymous with better.

 

My parent's relatively early deaths started this process for me. I didn't understand then that this began as I sat next to my dying father. I can remember holding his hand and saying out loud, "This is it? I hope it was happy Daddy. I hope you know how much you were loved and it was enough. Was your life what you wanted it to be?" I think I processed those questions for both of us. That conversation was the catalyst for something that I didn't even understand was happening to me at the time. And so I left my first role as faithful daughter behind as I eulogized my father (as I did my mother) and threw fistfuls of family soil over his casket. That was the beginning of a three year process: my own private dive into my depth.  

 

Barely able to catch my breath, I was faced with my husband's temporary unemployment and a daughter (my baby) on the brink of college. Many decisions were made like going back to work to help out until Pat could find a good job fit. This was done out of necessity, not giving much pause to consider what state I was in. I just channeled all my grief into tangibles like work and helping my family, ignoring the widening chasm within that desperately needed attention. Again, saying goodbye to another role, (at least in the way I had grown comfortable in it) a role that had defined me for thirty years. I descended deeper to a place of such intense loss and void, forcing me ever downward. I still  struggle to find wholeness there. There are days I am able to enjoy it for what it is: a job well done; a  deserved repose after a lifetime of giving and nuturing. Occassionally, I am blindsided by my internal struggle that feels like Gloria Steinem and June Cleaver engaged in a tug of war. if you know me, you know that I will always and forever cheer for June!

 

I have descended to this place of unformed as I re engage in a new kind of life and now college work. Occasionally, I indulge in if only I had gone back sooner, quickly realizing that's counter productive. Intentionally, I chose motherhood as my magnum opus and it came first. All of this now is a late second. I have no regrets. But, today.. I am my own  great work. That feels incredibly selfish and foreign and strangely exciting at the same time. So I choose rough, different, and challenging for my upward ascension. In my fifties I will birth something new. I am feeling my way around a new mode of being and lifestyle. I have less time to fuss, nest and cook. And oh how I love all of those things. But, (to be honest) they come very naturally to me. I have come close to perfecting the art of a being a homemaker. I want to be measured against something more challenging and rise to my hidden potential. It's time. I have space enough.

 

And so I continue my quest for balance, understanding that it's more critical than ever. I was never a carefree college girl. I am a wife: (first and always) an eternal companion to a wonderful man. I am a mother to three amazing adult children, who I want to spend time with. I am a Grand Ma-Ma and the best of me needs be present to delight in that roll (my just reward- lol...). I love it so! Last week I learned the hard way(after coming down with the flu) that balance will always be a challenge for my personality type. I want straight A's. I want to entertain and spend precious time with family. I want to serve in a church capacity. I want a clean and beautiful home. You get the picture. Therefore, I am going to be gentler with myself this go around. I am not as young as I used to be. I can't go without sleep. There is strength in setting limits; knowing when enough is enough and finally accepting that good is better than perfect. This self inflicted form of abuse has taken it's toll on me. Today I will place value on my well being above all else. And I boldly declare, older is definitely (in my case) wiser, with or without the degree to back it up.